Never bothered to be bothered

                                      In this busy world where everyone's world revolves around money and lust, we forget many things, many relations, and many commitments too. Things that are priceless turns out to be the most unimportant ones and we are never even bothered to think about it. The robotic age has turned man itself to robots where everyone is working on a set of rules, with just one goal,  "make money and die for it". Even though it’s monotonous and mundane, we still run behind it. More than a race, it’s a means of survival…"survival of the fittest". Hmmm... now let me start my story...

       College days...yes I know what you're thinking...'the most amazing days' right? Well true,friends...and friends...and friends. I was no different from a typical college student, least botherations and tensions. Flicking money from Dad's pocket to bunking classes, watching all crap movies  that too first day first show,getting drunk and dancing with the worst steps literally making a fool out of me,spontaneous decisions and trips to nowhere  and everywhere ,running behind those annoying lecturers for attendance shortage,finally going crazy with the huge bundle of photostats and notes on the eve of the university exam,sleepless nights and sleepy exams.


       Every day was a happening day for me,being a social person my friends circle was vast and I believed then that they were my life.

      It was during my post graduation I met her. She was never a beauty to praise like poets do. But she's someone different,crazy, fun loving, caring, reliable, short tempered, stubborn and  a great friend too. A Perfectly Unique blend! That's what attracted me to her but I always wondered what made her fall in love with me.  We were never like the usual couples with long night chats,staring into eyes for hours and all those kinda cheesy stuff. 


        We both were busy setting our career and life, but somewhere down the line, I got carried away with my career and had to move on. I never really bothered to think about how hard that must have been for her. After 4 years, I saw her again, a happily married woman who threw her successful career for her family which she considers to be precious than her career.I wondered why she did it.

    Being a 24x7 professional, I was completely caught in the wicked web of life, where I thought I was comfortable and happy. My world was all about work, money, parties, fame and girls. Stressful days and boozed nights replaced my best friends. When my love threw her life for her family, I threw my family for my life. I never bothered about anyone; I guess the only person I loved and was bothered about was me, myself. 

    I still remember that dreadful day, a severe pain in my head, I felt like my head was tearing apart, I tried calling someone for help but before I could do something I lost my conscious. The next thing I know was I'm hospitalized. I could faintly hear someone calling me,slowly I opened my eyes saw my Dad standing next to my bed,couldn't figure out what was going around me and why was I chained to those beeping machines. But somewhere in the silence of the ICU I heard two nurses whispering,"yes, the result is positive, his tumor is cancerous". For a second, I prayed that shouldn't be me. As days passed I realized my prayers were in vain. 

        
      My life completely turned upside down, stressful days turned out to bed ridden days, painful nights replaced my boozed party nights. People I valued least are the only ones I have now. 


      This time it wasn't me who rode the steering of my life but was that unexpected friend who been following me all this while. He is waiting to grab my soul and eat my body. But before I go, I want to thank him, because he opened my blind eyes,if he hadn't made this entry I would have never bothered to find my Dad's love, Mom's care and Sissy's pamper. My years are over,months are over all I've is a few more days or may be God knows a few more hours. It’s insane to think about turning back time but I wish I had some more time.

I guess this time God is not bothered...

Insidious

       The stress was intense, as the daylight waned, my heart yearned for a new life. Wish I could stop time and go back, although it’s too late, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and then it slowly crept into me...

I fell into a deep space where there was no time, no pressure, no pain all I could feel was the aching soreness in my heart. I was blinded by the darkness, deafened by the silence. I kept walking... I could feel my heart pounding with fear. I could feel the cold breeze creeping into me numbing my senses. I summoned up my courage crawled towards the dark.

I could feel the warmth of a strange hand on my shoulder and the next moment, I was rolling down a hill, it felt like a ride to hell. Something caught my leg and I stopped. Its still dark & cold.

Hanging upside down, fresh blood rolling over my face. I cried for help but to my shock I realised I lost my voice too. From far I saw a white light blinking, it started inching closer to me, the more close it came the more brighter it was, my eyes started hurting. I closed my eyes and heard my own voice saying,"You are caught by your wish …which now turns out to be your fate... now you decide..."

I opened my eyes with fear to see myself hooked to the second needle of a huge clock. I was stuck, if I unhook myself I will fall on to the hour needle which is right below me. Its edges were so sharp and is all set to drink my blood. I realized , my bloody body hanging in between those sharp edges had stopped time and season.

The world was still, everything in it was still, not even a leaf was moving. I was completely shattered, wanted to scream loud but couldn't even do that. I waited there for long helpless in vain. Everything remained still, I felt weaker and weaker, pain started eating me alive. There again I heard my voice saying,"This is your wish...this is your fate...now it’s you who have to decide...".

I couldn't stand the pain, my own voice started creeping me out.

Finally I decided to do it. Slowly with shivery hands I unhooked myself and went for the final fall of my life, in no time it drank my blood with ecstasy. Before I knew, life flew away, I went still. Everything went back to normal world started breathing again. The clock started ticking, seconds started rushing, minutes started running, hours started passing.

Like the eye of a dragon the clock remained there waiting for its next prey...

      

     

A page from my personal diary

    Ah!...I'm bored" that's how I started off  my day...I'm a person who loves to b alone...but that day wasn't  the same..I was feeling horrible....I had a missing feeling in me but couldn't really figure out why or what I miss...I knew I had to distract myself doing something...so thought of reading some magazines...alas!! that didn't really work...then I thought why not spent some time with my doggie...but there again he was so lazy ...I got so bugged with myself and everything....I called up one of my friends thinking that would help me...but unfortunately that didn't because she was  busy fighting with her boy friend...pheww..!!! 


    Finally...I came up with my last idea...listening to music... unusually that day I was in a mood to listen some hard rock...but again things kept on pushing the limit of  my patience...because this time I can’t find my headphones...grrr..!!! it was then I noticed a DVD...”Sundays at Tiffany's"...woah..!! As I can’t find my headphones...now I shifted my idea to watch this movie...it was a movie based on a book by James Patterson...it’s about a girl called Jane and her imaginary friend Michael...who appears back after 20yrs to warn Jane the path her life is on..Initially shocked and in disbelief... Jane slowly realizes that not only has Michael returned to her when she needs him most... but he may also be her one true love....


         While I was watching this movie I was reminded about my imaginary friend.....I don't know when onwards I had him with me...but he played a major role in my childhood fantasies....we were the best buddies...he liked all what I liked...he loved talking to me.. .playing with me...and I used to share all my secrets with him...but when I grew up...things changed...he slowly faded away....or I should say i never bothered to get back to him...


      After a long gap..I decided to meet my imaginary friend again but by then he completely faded off from that realm of imagination...i tried hard to bring him back to my life...but couldn't find him...that's when i started writing letters to him....Whenever i feel like talking to him i scribbled it down in my diary...and each time i write a letter i feel like he is standing next to me and replying to me......Woah..!! When I think about all that... i feel so good...i don't remember how i stopped writing letters to him not like i found better friends than him...but was dissolved in the illusion of life...


          My long lost friend...i wish even you appear in my life one day like how Michael did in Jane's life.....!! But I'm still wondering how did that DVD got into my rack....I think that was a gift by you to make me feel better and to let me know that  you are still around me...watching my life and would make your entry at the right time!!!!

When she vanished

  "      I've been waiting for her but she never returned,its like she just vanished into thin air.Was feeling lonely...disheartened...and at the same time was starving to death.Unexpected visits of spiders and cockroaches scared the hell out of me.Finally i decided to get out of that spooky place.The moment I got out of my hole I realized i'm in that weird world my mom used to say slowly but carefully I started exploring the new world around me, it was strange and way beyond my imagination, the best part was I could smell food everywhere.  I kept moving,it was pitch dark, but wasn't scared this time because I remember my mother saying it is safe to be in dark.Suddenly the lights turned on, I freaked out, started running around and somehow figured my way under a cover but I was sure that I had attracted someones attention. I could feel a movement next to me 

          I kept silent as if i didn't exist. I waited there until it was dark again. My body grew weak I'm feeling tired,haven't eaten anything for long. Memories of my mother popped up,tears rolled up in my eyes,I have no clue why she left me all alone. It was dark again, carefully I came out and started off  with my journey in search of food. I could smell something really good, I kept following the smell and at last I found it. A small piece of cheese in a box.I ran into the box with so much of excitement  and picked up the cheese.But with an alarming noise the door shut. I'm trapped! But for what...? what did i do...? was just feeling hungry, I didn't hurt anyone.Why? Why am I trapped?

 Now I know how my mother vanished..! "

      "the world looks so fascinating and tempting but let me remind you there are traps anywhere and everywhere...so you better watch your steps" 

Friend for life till death

       0opz! I am late again.This time I am not worried about it because I know it’s the perfect time to let go all my pain...all my feelings...all my memories... forever. His mouth filled with poison entered into me breaking each layer of my skin and with immense pleasure I enjoyed him for the last time and like a devil it rushed into my vein;a feel of heaviness in my head,pain started throbbing in my nerves. 

               It was my craze that brought him to my life but slowly he possessed my heart and painted my days with delusion. Yes, I kissed the vicious lips of addiction...fell into his inescapable hands.That numbness spread into my blood and to my life.

           Complicated life kept on confusing me and left me with embarrassment and bewilderment. And like a rescuer, he came again inducing a streak of wildness and took me to another realm where I lost myself in the halo of hallucination.The light of realization struck me late. But by then I was caught in the evil web beautifully woven by fate. I wished I could go back. There I saw him again wearing the hat of a life saver, started pumping my veins, this time not with drugs but with medicines. He tried hard to bring me back to life but I was stuck in the afterglow of illusion. 

            Flashes of memories passing by like a film reel. Who knew a silly syringe can change life upside down. Here I am with no hopes waiting for that moment of stillness. I knew only he can redeem me form this sickening life.There were days I used to swirl in pleasure but now I am in pain, ready to face death. I can feel death inching in me. My hands started weakening and I dropped him, my best worst friend. Like a free fall I fell down, I knew this is it!! 

For the last time I looked at the syringe which changed my life...